Ken Aaron Burnstein MSW, LCSW

Clinical Social Work, Counseling / Therapy

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5 Ways To Develop Resilient Relationships

By Ken Burnstein Leave a Comment

In my work as a therapist, one area I like to focus on with every couple I meet is developing resilience. This means helping each couple build certain qualities that will help their relationships be resilient to the many internal and external stressors which they face, whether it be loss, financial problems, children, work, health, ect. Below I have listed five qualities I found that build resilience in relationships:

 

  • 1) Never be too busy to communicate: Taking time to communicate in the present (i.e. today) builds trust and connection between the partners. While it is important to have a good understanding of your partners needs and wants based on past communication, it is important not to make assumptions about what the other persons needs (or is thinking) in the present moment or situation. This helps to reduce the potential for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Each present moment has its own unique qualities, being mindful of our feelings on the present moment as well as mindful of the possible verbal and non-verbal signs of our partner is important to be able to respond in a skilled way to each new situation. For more information about developing the quality of mindfulness please read Thich Nahn Han’s book “The Miracle of Mindfulness”.
  • 2) Maintain Your Marriage. Good marriages and relationships need to be maintained on a regular basis. (Similar to ones physical health, home, auto, furnace, garden ect.) Without regular maintenance and care any relationship will begin to break down and either drift or fall apart. Partners take time on a regular basis to process and work through conflict so resentments don’t build up. Time is also taken to discuss how the relationship has been going recently, from each partner’s viewpoint, sharing what they enjoy about the relationship and areas they would like improved. Partners also set boundaries around their relationship and make sure that external demands (like work and children and social obligations) do not interfere with the couple’s closeness, and their ability to be emotionally intimate with each other.
  • 3) Make sure to fight fair. Fighting fair means that the couple has rules about how to manage disagreements and/ or conflict, so that the discussion is about the conflict and does not lead to hurt feelings. Arguments do not go below the belt and statements are not made with the intent to guilt or shame the other partner. Conflict focuses on the present problem and does not bring up past issues. Since all relationships at times have disagreement between the partners, it is important that the disagreement be expressed. When disagreement is not expressed, and held inside, it can turn into resentment, apathy, and passive aggressive behavior.
  • 4) Perspective Perspective Perspective. Last year I read a great article in Pyschology Today that was about differences in marrages and issues that the partners were never able to come to an agreement on. The article says that almost every couple has 1 to 2 areas of disagreement, which arises from each partner having sifferent perspnalities, histories, viewpoints, and metabolism. What is important is not that differences exist, but how they are managed. Having perspective helps the marriage stay positive rather than being overwhelmed by the differences. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude and being able to appreciate and enjoy the positive aspects of your partner vs. focusing on trying to change the aspects you don’t like helps develop a healthy positive relationship.
  • 5) Take care of yourself! When I was in graduate school, I was taught in family systems class is that the foundation of the marriage is each individual partners emotional and physical health. Therefore how individuals maintain their emotional and physical health directly effect the quality of the relationship. Seeking treatment for physical and mental health problems when needed as well as having relationships and connections besides the marriage (i.e. work, friendships, community involvement, family, religious community) helps keep the vitality of the relationship.

The five qualities mentioned came from the many couples I have come into contact with, both personally and professionally. While each couple was slightly different in terns of age, and demographics, these qualities I mentioned were a common thread in all the relationships. In closing, I hope you enjoyed this short blog piece. My intention is that this article becomes a catalyst for the reader to think about what creates resilience in relationships; and not that the qualities I mentioned are exclusive. I welcome your comments and feedback.

Bibliography:

Marano, Hara E Unconventional Wisdom: Stop This Divorce Psychology Today May 2015

Nahn Hahn, Thich The Miracle of Mindfulness 1999 Beacon Press

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: counseling, marital problems, oak park, relationships

Using Music For Meditation

By Ken Burnstein Leave a Comment

In this post I will write about how I approach the idea of using music as an object of meditation. I have three intentions in writing this article: 1) to better understand the idea of how music helps meditation, 2) offering some ideas about how to practice music meditation, and 3) using this article as a catalyst in coming up with your own ways to meditate with music.

In order to better understand how music meditation works, I want to first define meditation. Oxford Dictionary defines meditation as: “To think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time in silence, or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes, or as a method of relaxation. Aryeh Kaplin in his book Jewish Meditation defines meditation simply as “thinking in a controlled manner”. He goes on to describe two important parts to meditation: 1) using concentration to focus in on the object of meditation and 2) being able to release extraneous or undesired thoughts that do not relate to the object of meditation. His book goes on to say that besides meditating on the breath or a mantra, that we can meditate on many other objects including: a biblical verse, a problem or concern, the physical body, scents, or emotions.

Here we will be using music for the object of meditation. There are two ways I have learned to use music for meditation. The first is to use music as a background to meditate on another object; the second is to use music as the direct object of meditation. I approach music meditation the second way; by using music as the direct object of meditation, using short wordless melodies, called nigguns in the Jewish tradition, or lullabies in the folk tradition. How many of us were rocked to sleep by a very simple soothing lullaby as a child without knowing that this was a form of meditation.

When I select melodies to help people meditate with music (either individually or in groups) they need to have three qualities: 1) it needs to be simple enough to sing, or listen to without stress of mental effort that would detract from the meditation, 2) Music that is medium tempo or slower (Since music effects a persons heart rate and pulse. O. Sacks) 3) the melodic quality needs to lend itself to enriching the persons meditative state. Not all melodies are created equal, and while evaluating the quality of a melody is very subjective, I have experienced how different melodies, even when the other factors of simplicity and tempo are adjusted for, have a pronounced effect on people.

In order to enter, as well as deepen, the meditative experience I have found a few techniques very helpful: 1) focusing on the breath while inhaling and exhaling while singing, 2) focusing on the vibrations the sound of singing makes in the body, 3) focusing on how the music and rhythm makes the body move, 4) focusing on the quiet space between the notes. For more information about the importance of space and rest in music read The Music Lesson by Victor Wooden, one of my favorite books about music and spirituality.

When I do music meditation I use the guitar to play chords to accompany my voice (singing the melody) and the participants. The guitar also helps set the rhythm and harmonic tone for the music. Oliver Sacks in his book Musicophelia writes about how people are drawn in to the rhythm of live music and how the rhythm engages us to listen in an active participatory way. I have experienced this during the music meditation groups. I teach the participants to gently sing the melody, and use the repetition of the melody as the object of meditation. From then on the act of singing and listening to the melody do the work of drawing the person in to the meditative experience. Dr Sacks goes on to say that experiencing live music in a group setting synchronizes the brains and minds and emotions of all who participate. I have seen this happen in the group setting, which can make it easier for each individual participant to engage in the meditative experience.

Don Campbell, in his book The Mozart Effect, discusses how music has a positive effect on the heartbeat, pulse rate, and blood pressure, reduces muscle tension and unpleasant feelings. Very important to meditation, he also discussed how music can slow down and equalize brain waves from ordinary consciousness called beta waves to, alpha waves, which lead to heightened awareness and calm. Deeper states of meditation lead to theta waves, which can lead to deep meditation and connection with one’s creative essence.

Members of my individual and group music meditation sessions frequently experience these positive effects that Don Campbell and Oliver Sacks discuss. The books mentioned in the bibliography are great references to further understand the effects of music on the body and mind, including meditative states. Finding some simple lullabies or nigguns to sing and meditate on is an excellent way to get firsthand experience. Please feel free to write with feedback and questions- I welcome your input.

Bibliography:

Campbell, Don (1997) The Mozart Effect New York New York: Avon Book

Kaplin, Aryeh (1985) Jewish Meditation New York: Random House

Anonymous (2016) Oxford Dictionary Definition of Meditation Retrieved from: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/meditate

Sacks, Oliver (2007) Musicophelia New York; Alfred A Knof

Wooden, Victor L (2006) The Music Lesson New York: Berkley Books

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: healing, music meditation, music therapy, oak park, therapeutic music

Managing Your Anger in 3 Steps

By Ken Burnstein Leave a Comment

managing anger tipsThe Anger Management Therapy that I practice has three general steps, or stages. Each stage is a building block for the next. It is important to work through these stages in order and to resist the temptation to skip ahead to Step 3 (tool and skill building). However, without working through the two prior “foundational” steps, change will not occur, or will be short lived.

Step 1: The Why

The first step in anger management treatment is to find out the cause or causes of why a person has trouble managing their anger. There are many things that impact a person’s ability to manage feelings of anger such as:

  • stress,
  • transitions,
  • loss,
  • alcohol or drug abuse,
  • depression,
  • issues with self esteem or identity,
  • relationship conflict,
  • health problems
  • and lack of social support.

Specifying the cause or causes of one’s anger is important, because it determines the treatment approach taken in steps two, and three.

A question I like to ask new clients is: how long have you had problems with anger? This question can help to understand if the problem is based on a particular stressor(s), or more internally based. There are differences in working with anger due to situational problems vs. anger related to long-term anxiety or depression.

Step 2: The Who

As I like to joke: who has the problem? Not me! “It’s others fault that I get angry!” This step focuses on developing 100% accountability and responsibility for outbursts of anger. There is a healthy sense of remorse when reflecting on times when anger was not managed well. The attitude of someone who has mastered this step is: “it is ok to feel angry, but it is not ok to express anger that causes hurt to someone either physically or emotionally”. Once the causes of anger have been identified it helps free up motivation and feelings of personal empowerment to work on step two. For some people, this step is not only about helping them take responsibility for their anger, but giving them hope that with right practice and skill building set they will be able to successfully manage anger. For some clients, it is important to learn how belief systems  or cognitions lead to anger so that they can learn healthy ways to view self, others, and situations.

Step 3: The How

For me, this is the easiest step of the three. An important skill taught in this step is how to monitor levels of anger, and become aware of all thoughts, body sensations, and feelings that occur from when one is calm to when one is enraged. I usually break this in to ten levels, (1 being calm, to 10 being enraged) or some people like to use 5 colors with red signifying rage. The key with this skill is that one uses the early warning signs, to cool down before one hits a level ten. Using the scale, people learn how to cool down when they hit a level 5 or 6.

Other skills for managing your anger include:

  • learning how to communicate anger in positive ways,
  • reality testing negative thoughts/ beliefs,
  • healthy ways to channel anger,
  • and skills to help one cope with feelings of frustration, anxiety, and disappointment that can often underlie feelings of anger.

Filed Under: Anger Management Tagged With: anger management, anger management therapy, anger management tips

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